Why Twos Become Tyrants

Remember back to your days as a third- or fourth-grader? Someone (maybe you?) was always picked last for kickball and was positioned to play in a spot where he couldn’t have much effect, one way or the other, on the team’s success. Then one day the teacher appointed this kid team captain and he had the power to choose who would play on his side and where they would be positioned in the outfield. At last the opportunity for some pay-back! Oh, the joys of power!

Your two-year-old feels much the same way. A person of firm opinions, she’s been locked inside a body that wasn’t strong or well coordinated and that couldn’t make herself understood. Now that’s all changed. By about age two, she can walk and run (away), she can say “no” very, very well, and she can hit with power and accuracy. Suddenly, she’s in a position to make the world sit up and take notice.

That third-grade kickball captain knew enough to be strategic. He knew that to win the game, he’d need the help of the best players in the class, the very people who ignored him before. A two-year-old has no strategy and no conscience. She is unable to comprehend that others have feelings, that her parents’ goodwill is important to her, and that the long-term effect of her tyranny will not be queenly bliss but parental revolt. As her efforts to get her way meet resistance, she ratchets things up. She runs faster, laughs in mom’s face, hits deliberately, and throws melt-down tantrums with greater frequency and sometimes even for no reason at all. Two-year-olds can be a handful. What to do?

First, it helps to remember that your toddler’s new sense of power and freedom are excellent signs of developmental progress. He feels confident and capable and that’s not only a good thing but a sign that your parenting skills have supported his self-esteem. Well done!

Second, it’s good to know that you’re justified in feeling a little hurt and a little surprised. You and your child have been well-attuned to each other and things have been going very nicely between you. You have reason to be shocked by his sudden rejection of everything you suggest. But don’t take it personally. Your toddler’s behavior is less about you and more about him and his growing sense of personhood. You do want this. You don’t want your child to be a baby forever. Accept that he’s growing more independent and that’s a good thing.

Third, stay calm. As your toddler makes this transition from baby to preschooler, she needs mature guidance more than ever. In your reactions to her out-of-bounds behavior, don’t stoop to a two-year-old level but model the kind of well-reasoned interaction you want her to develop. Say, “You may not hit me but you may hit the drum,” or “If you’re going to make such a fuss, you can do that in your room. Let me help you go to your room.” It is okay to say “no” to your child. You’re not squelching her personality. You’re helping her to regulate her own behavior.

Fourth, plan ahead. You are not two years old. You can be strategic. If she likes to run away, visit only playgrounds that are fenced in or at least far away from roads and other hazards. Wear your running shoes. If she throws food on the floor and laughs, serve her on the floor… on a picnic blanket… and serve foods she likes. You won’t have to restrict your activities forever. You can afford to think one step ahead of your child for a little while.

Fifth, admire what you like. Praise your child when he pats the dog gently. Tell him how pleased you are with his behavior in the grocery store. Let him hear you tell others how capable he’s becoming. Your admiration means a lot to him and it will help you to remember how great your child is and how wonderfully he’s growing up.

Being two is a necessary step on the way to three and four. Enjoy your child every step of the way.


You can view all of my past posts, slide shows and parenting resources by visiting http://www.earlylearningcommunity.org/page/tips-from-dr-patricia-nan